To the great pain and complaint of nearly everybody I know - which says a lot about them, and the vast majority of people in this world - at the beginning of 2019 I changed the course of my life completely. This is the story of why.
My life up to 2019 was spent aimless. I had no motivation, no goals, no skills, and no real purpose or understanding in life. I was a depressed, suicidal human drone that lived for nothing more than to feel pleasure and be entertained. This is partly the blame of my parents, partly the blame of their parents, their parents, etc., but most of the blame of this degenerate society which has negatively influenced every generation for the past 100 years.
Don't believe me? Think the 1950s was a better time? Just go take a look at most musical lyrics from popular songs of that era. Spoiler, they're mostly about fornication, and giving women undue glorification - and no, chasing women is not the purpose of life. In fact, a woman is nothing more than a helper for a man. A man is the slave of God, and woman is the slave of God and subservient helper of man.
My digression aside, I was brought up in school systems and taught nothing useful at all. As many of my fellow government-school babies can relate, I wasn't even taught how to function in the very society for which I was already a part of, and told to further partake of. It is thus obvious to anybody who grew up in a similar manner that school systems are purposefully pumping out clueless men and women.
Despite all that, I was a happy, mostly uncorrupted kid. I had a natural knack for avoiding negative situations. In high school, many of my friend groups were smoking weed and cigarettes, using harmful drugs, drinking, and fornicating. For whatever reason, that kind of lifestyle never appealed to me and I always turned down any offers to partake.
After high school I joined the u.s. Army as an infantryman for the purpose of going to the Mid-East and, in my own words, "killing those people who killed innocents." I, of course, sill had no idea what I wanted to do long term and was quite naive in the thinking that I could do good in such a manner. But, I desired to get away from my parents. Parents who I very much disliked at the time. Parents who failed to instill in me what the true nature of reality was - that reality of being a slave to God-through-Christ, and of spiritual warfare.
While in the Army, I was often made fun of for always smiling. I even remember when I used to tell people that I didn't think depression was real. In hind sight, I was very wrong.
One day my squad leader, SSG Cowell, came up to me and said something that I've never forgotten. Something that has since reminded me of how sad this life really is.
Cowell sauntered up and casually leaned over to see what I was doing. He tilted his head, said, "Barnes, you're always smiling."
I looked up from prepping my ruck and my gear, a big smile creeping up on my face. "I am?" I replied, pausing to think about it, "Yeah, I guess I am, Sergeant."
He canted his head the other way, breathed in through his teeth as if frustrated that he himself had lost such joviality. "That's good, Barnes. Don't ever stop," he said, patting me on the shoulder and stepping away. Perhaps reminded of all the young naive men he had trained in his career.
Well, let's just say I've since stopped smiling. For the rest of my military career I was still fairly happy. I still didn't think depression was real, despite being sad or lonely every once in a while. But responsibilities and stress started to take their toll. It wouldn't be until my first heartbreak with what I considered to be my first real girlfriend in 2016, that my outlook on life changed.
After that breakup I became a different person. I was wary of others, especially women. I stopped trusting as easily, I stopped being happy and smiling all the time. I had frequent outbursts of a rage I'd kept mostly in check since childhood. I couldn't drink anymore, as the slightest insult would set me off. I came to know what depression was. I felt suicidal. I often found myself thinking: How could this have happened? I used to be so happy.
It happened because she was the first woman I fell in love with. But, despite my one-sided love, we were not a good match. She was very rude to me, to everybody, really. She herself said that she was a negative person. I put it together that she previously had some bad relationships which had damaged her. However, due to the failings of my upbringing, I was not an upright ("good") man and did not know how to uplift her.
I spent the period of time between 2016-2018 severely angry, depressed, and suicidal. I began to cling to whatever would make me feel better. And what made me feel better was philosophy, and the emotion of politics. I started to realize that something about our society wasn't quite right. It felt hollow, pointless, fruitless. There was nothing in it for me, as I never had a desire for money, and always wanted to be married to a good woman whom with to raise a family.
I had a goal to join the federal government in order to provide for that potential future family, and I thought it was going to work out perfectly. Trump had won the election, and I voted for him and saw him as a savior. One who could re-instill morality in this Union's society. By the time I would have my Bachelor's degree I would be joining a government run by a man that I thought was very great. I was still naive, despite having a better understanding of the hardships of life. I've since learned that no man can be a savior.
It was Christmas 2018 that I experienced the event that turned me fully to God-in-Christ. The event that lead to my entire family coming to the conclusion that I was crazy.
That Christmas day I got in a fight with my dad and step-mom. While we were all sitting around opening gifts, me and my brother were taunting one another, back and forth. My dad and step-mom were watching when my brother used the number of women he had been with as a one-up. I was content to be silent, as I'm sure he had slept with more women then me. Suddenly my dad and step-mom also chimed in to make fun of my ability to "get women." That set me off in a rage, and severed any bond I had to them. I spewed foul language, stormed out of the house and thought about killing them then offing myself.
It had made me angry because neither my mom or dad had taught me about women. I had learned everything from my peers, society, and porn. So, that meant sex, sex, and more sex. That was all I knew as to the purpose of a woman, even though deep down I had always had this dream of marrying a good, wholesome, kind, supporting woman. I didn't know how to find her, or to behave in the manner that attracted her. I had already lived the one-night stand nonsense of modernity, which always left me feeling worse, not better as society claims. Each morning after, I was more empty, more depressed.
I was sickened by my own life, by my rage and thoughts. I don't know how it happened but I came to God. Or, rather, God reached out to me and pulled me close.
I'm not sure what I did in January and February. But sometime in March, at around two in the morning in my living room, I discovered that the Roman Catholic church of Constantine had changed the real day of God's ordained Sabbath from saturday to sunday. I also learned that saturday (Sabbath day) was the 7th day of the week, and sunday the 1st day.
Sitting there on my couch, alone in the dark, with a smile on my face I began to weep uncontrollably. It was the culminating miraculous understanding that this whole american society, and everything we've ever been taught in it is a malicious lie. Only by the Lord God Omnipotent's merciful intervention could such a seemingly insignificant fact have made me turn wholly to God-in-Christ. This simple understanding explained everything that had gone wrong in my life. It explained the failure of my parents, it explained my behavior and feelings, it explained the failure of this disgusting society which glorifies fornication, sodomy, money, killing, violence, pedophilia, and all other unclean, unworthy things.
That same month, I began a cover-to-cover reading of the Scripture within the Bible, and finished it 8 months later in November. Hungry for more of God's inspired works, I began to seek out other Scripture. I've since read the Book of Enoch, the Book of Adam & Eve, all the KJV "Apocrypha", and am now on to the "Pseudopigrapha," Life of Mary, and other workings attributed to even Christ the Messiah.
My new, true-Christian path in life has alienated me from society, family, and old friends. However, I've gained new friends, men who seek God-in-Christ. And, although I still have that depression, a loneliness which hasn't gone away since 2016, I am no longer suicidal nor as angry. Yet, there is still a sadness inside me that grows as I learn more and more about the deliberate inversion (malicious perversion) of this society, and world. Scripture speaks of this in Ecclesiasticus 21:11-12,
"He that keepeth the law of the Lord getteth the understanding thereof: and the perfection of the fear of the Lord is wisdom. He that is not wise will not be taught: but there is a wisdom which multiplieth bitterness."
Since coming to God-in-Christ, I have begun to receive dreams. One such dream gave me the story and motivation to write a large series of novels - many dreams that have followed have given me supplementary ideas and content. Other dreams have shown me visions of the future. And yet still, other dreams are nightmares, recurring un-identifiable demons.
These demonic nightmares always take place in a dreamspace of my own home, and often consist of sleep paralyzation. This is spiritual warfare. With counsel from Aaron, my cousin and brother-in-Christ, I know this to be because I came to God in such a dramatic and sudden way. This has painted a target on my spirit to the enemies of God. I only tell you this that if by some chance my experiences lead you to God-in-Christ, just know that life doesn't automatically become easy-mode. In fact, your life will be more difficult, perhaps even more depressing in certain ways. But, in other ways it will also greatly improve, just as it has in mine.
God bless,
Logos Prevailing.
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